4. Connection Beyond Conflict: Why Hard Conversations Are Worth Having

Part four in a six-part series.

Setting the Stage

Every interaction we have with the world is an opportunity to be better. We can choose how we react in times of stress and uncertainty. Do we react, get defensive, retaliate, or do we surrender, opening ourselves up to the potential for change?

These six principles help me navigate life's complexities, from personal growth to creative expression.

While each piece stands alone, they build on each other in ways you might find helpful to read them in order.

1. Sit in Your Discomfort: Running from Discomfort Is Like Fleeing a Bear

2. Embrace Boredom: From Agitation to Appreciation

3. Be Curious: Beyond the Search Bar

4. Find Connection Beyond Conflict: Why Hard Conversations Are Worth Having

5. Surrender to Uncertainty: Why Control Is an Illusion

6. Value Creativity over Consumption: The Joy of Making Over Taking

Join me in exploring these six guiding principles that continue to shape my journey. I’ll introduce you to each one, pulling back the curtain on how I actualize them, and together, we'll see what insights we learn along the way.

#4 Find Connection Beyond Conflict

Every interaction we have with the world is an opportunity to be better.

We can choose how we engage with conflict: Do we avoid it, fight it, or use it as a bridge to deeper understanding?

I've never been one to bite my tongue. When something needs to be said, I say it. Over the years, this directness has taught me there’s a crucial difference between a pointless argument and creating genuine connection through conflict.

This approach hasn't always been smooth sailing.

Sometimes it creates tension, which is natural - we're hard-wired to view conflict as a threat. Our nervous system doesn't distinguish between a heated disagreement and a physical danger - both trigger our fight-or-flight response.

What if conflict isn’t something to avoid, but an invitation to connect more deeply?

Beyond Right and Wrong

People often mistake directness for aggression, assuming that addressing conflict head-on means you're not interested in other perspectives. In my experience, the opposite is true. Being direct creates clarity, cutting through the passive-aggressive dance that many mistake for politeness.

Over the years, I've discovered that while others might see confrontation as a barrier to connection, addressing issues directly often creates the conditions for deeper understanding. The key is pairing that directness with genuine curiosity about the other person's perspective.

You Hurt My Feelings: When Truth Meets Trust

The quality of our relationships—and our lives—is directly tied to our willingness to have difficult conversations. Not just to speak up, but to truly engage with different viewpoints and challenging perspectives.

In the film "You Hurt My Feelings" (2023), Julia Louis-Dreyfus's character accidentally overhears her therapist husband admit he doesn't like her new book manuscript—a truth he's carefully hidden behind years of supportive white lies. This simple moment of overheard honesty threatens to unravel their seemingly solid marriage.

The film perfectly captures a common dilemma: the choice between comfortable lies and difficult truths. When faced with potential conflict, how many of us opt for pleasant fictions over honest dialogue?

When people avoid tough conversations, they often convince themselves they're taking the high road, when they're actually avoiding the uncomfortable feelings they imagine will come up if they engaged in conflict.

But what if the real high road is having the courage to address issues directly, while remaining open to what might emerge from that dialogue?

Here's what's taken me years to understand: avoiding tension doesn't create peace. It creates distance. Silence breeds uncertainty. Small misunderstandings grow into deep-rooted resentments.

Like a garden where nothing's been pruned, the weeds of misunderstanding slowly choke out any chance of real connection. Because real peace isn't the absence of conflict—it's the presence of understanding.

The Bridge to Connection

Through years of calling things as I see them, I've discovered the moments of greatest tension, when handled with both honesty and openness, often lead to the strongest connections.

It's not about diluting your message or walking on eggshells. It's about creating space for real dialogue while maintaining your authenticity.

This isn't about winning arguments or proving points or even to agree. It is about getting curious about perspectives different from our own. It's about understanding what drives each perspective.

Think of conflict as a bridge, not a wall. On one side stands your truth, on the other side theirs. Different perspectives don't need reconciliation. They need exploration. That's where the real insights emerge.

The conversation is the bridge you build together, plank by plank, question by question, understanding by understanding.

Building on Our Previous Work

This is where our earlier tenets come into play. If you’re reading this essay first, all good! Here is a recap so you can keep vibing with this piece.

1. Sitting in Discomfort taught us to stay present with challenging feelings rather than running from them

2. Accepting Boredom showed us the value of creating space rather than filling every moment

3. Being Curious opened us to exploring beyond our assumptions

Now, we can apply these skills to the arena of conflict.

The Practice of Conscious Conflict

Most people go to great lengths to avoid conflict. They swallow their words, nod in fake agreement, or ghost entirely when tensions rise.

But what if speaking up—addressing issues directly—is exactly what your relationships need?

The real challenge isn't just finding your voice, it's using it in a way that opens up dialogue rather than shutting it down.

Before diving into a challenging conversation, I've learned to ask myself:

What outcome am I actually seeking here? Am I trying to prove a point, or am I trying to understand something deeper? What might this person know that I don't?

Then comes the real work. Not softening your message, but delivering it in a way that invites dialogue rather than defense.

Being clear about your perspective while remaining genuinely curious about theirs. It's a delicate balance—maintaining your directness while creating space for something new to emerge.

The Daily Practice

Here's your challenge for this week:

1. Notice Your Patterns

   • When do you swallow your words?

   • Where do you nod in fake agreement?

   • What conversations are you avoiding right now?

2. Choose One Conversation

   • State your perspective clearly

   • Ask what led them to their position

   • Stay in the conversation longer than feels comfortable

   • Notice what emerges when you combine directness with curiosity

3. Reflect After Each Attempt

   • What shifted when you spoke up?

   • How did they respond to your directness?

   • What did you learn by staying curious?

   • What would you do differently next time?

4. Document Your Progress

   • Record your experiences in a journal

   • Note how people respond to direct communication paired with curiosity

   • Compare this approach to past patterns of confrontation or avoidance

The Ripple Effect: Building on What We've Learned

When we combine the lessons from our previous principles—sitting with discomfort, embracing boredom, and staying curious—with this direct approach to conflict, something powerful happens.

Just as sitting with discomfort builds our resilience, and embracing boredom creates space for insight, approaching conflict with genuine curiosity transforms our conversations. People stop walking on eggshells. Real dialogue emerges. Instead of harboring resentments, people learn to voice their concerns productively.

It's choosing to see conflict not as a wall, but as a bridge to understanding.

The next time you encounter resistance or disagreement, remember:

• Your ability to sit with discomfort helps you stay present in challenging conversations

• The patience learned from embracing boredom helps you listen deeply

• Your curiosity transforms confrontation into exploration

• Your willingness to address issues directly becomes a strength

Every challenging conversation holds the potential for deeper understanding—if we're willing to engage fully in both speaking our truth and hearing others'.

What conversation could you transform by bringing both clarity and curiosity to the table?

This piece was created with the assistance of LEX.AI.